


Off the Record

by Calliatra, wingedwords (gunpowderandlove)



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Audio Format: M4B, Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Friendship, Gen, Podfic, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Some Humor, Sound Effects, some mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-06-22 08:45:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15578097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calliatra/pseuds/Calliatra, https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunpowderandlove/pseuds/wingedwords
Summary: Chief Medical Officer’s log, Stardate 2336.7.Despite what persnickety engineering statistics and a stratospherically suspicious Captain may be suggesting, operations in Sickbay continue to be just as routine as reported every day for the last three weeks.





	1. Off the Record

 

_Cover art by Calliatra_

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**Download or Stream** : [MP3](https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/wingedwords/%5BStar+Trek%5D+Off+the+Record.mp3) (10.8 MB) ||| [M4B](https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/wingedwords/%5BStar+Trek%5D+Off+the+Record.m4b) (7.67 MB)

 **Download or Stream without sound effects** : [MP3](https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/wingedwords/%5BStar+Trek%5D+Off+the+Record+-+No+Sound+Effects.mp3) (10.7 MB) ||| [M4B](https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/wingedwords/%5BStar+Trek%5D+Off+the+Record+-+No+Sound+Effects.m4b) (7.92 MB)

 **Length** : 00:17:39

 **Stream** :

 

* * *

 

 

_**Captain‘s log, Stardate 2331.4.** _

_We‘re now three weeks into our journey towards the distant Mintaka Prime colony, with no occurrences out of the ordinary to report. Chief Engineer Scott is still making use of this time to run full diagnostics on all parts of the ship, and to test out several of the potential improvements he has been creating in his spare time. Mr. Spock has added a thirteenth experiment to the ones he is personally overseeing in his capacity as Science Officer, and at his current rate, will probably be overseeing fifteen by tomorrow._

_The rest of the ship is running more efficiency drills. Security performed at 93 percent as of their last report, and is implementing a few changes to standard protocols in order to lower the simulated death rate. Sickbay is operating at 97 percent during emergency drills, and 94 percent during routine activity. Doctor McCoy reports that he and his staff are compiling a list of problems and aiming to improve as much as can be reasonably expected. Mr. Spock‘s science department has reported a 98.8 percent efficiency rating, and appended a 27-point plan designed to raise it to 99.7 percent. Engineering is still waiting for several of Mr. Scott‘s alterations to be operational before running their next efficiency drills, and in the meantime reports that their most recent diagnostics have found nothing worse wrong with the ship than a few minor energy usage anomalies, none of which require immediate attention._

_On the bridge, there isn‘t much more to do than to keep the ship on course and enjoy the peace._

 

* * *

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Jim.”

Kirk sent a pointedly surprised look across the mess table. “Are you telling me that you don’t know what happens in your sickbay, Doctor?”

“I’m telling you that whatever you think is happening there, isn’t.” Bones waved a forkful of salad through the air. “Apart from the drills, we’re closer to the perfect Starfleet routine than any starship has ever seen. We’ve got the usual cuts, bruises, and sniffles, nothing more. If our routine gets any more routine, I may have to take up a new hobby just to fill the time.”

“Sounds idyllic,” Kirk said drily.

Bones snorted. “You should know. From what I hear, right now life’s slower than molasses in winter on your bridge.”

Kirk didn’t sigh, but it was a near thing. “Never mind that. Listen, Bones. Sickbay is using more energy than it should be if everything is as routine as you say. It’s not a big difference, but it’s enough to get picked up by Engineering’s diagnostics. It could mean a problem.”

“And I’m telling you,” Bones groused, “I don’t know anything about that. Maybe the diagnostics are off.”

“I doubt it. I got Scotty to confirm them for me.”

“Well, I know it’s a damn near sacrilegious suggestion, but maybe Scotty got it wrong. He may be our very own personal miracle worker, but at the end of the day, he’s just as human as the rest of us.”

Kirk grinned. “Don’t let him hear you say that. You wouldn’t want us to get stuck in a crisis with merely human engineering skills, would you?”

“Now, Jim,” Bones raised an eyebrow, “is that a good sentiment for a starship captain to have?”

Kirk raised both eyebrows. “Is that who you’re talking to?”

He was met with equal and opposite force. “I don’t know. Am I?”

Kirk gave that the consideration it deserved, and really did sigh, this time. “I suppose you are. So how about something more unofficial, then? Tonight, maybe over some of your special stash of Saurian brandy?”

“Sorry.” Bones shook his head, “I can’t.” Seeing something in Kirk’s expression, he added, “I’m not giving you a brush-off, Jim. I’ve just got plans already.”

“Plans, Bones?” Kirk asked, with the light smile that coaxed information out of friends and fear into enemies.

“Yep. Plans.”

“But none you want to share.” It was _almost_ a question.

“Well, a man has to have a right to some privacy, doesn’t he?”

Since he could hardly argue with that, Kirk did the wise thing and changed the subject.

 

* * *

 

_**Personal log, Stardate 2333.9.** _

_There is something going on in Sickbay. I’m sure of it now._

_I had Scotty run a more detailed analysis on the mysterious energy use, and relate it to anything he could get from Sickbay’s sensor logs. It turns out the energy drain is caused by more than one factor. The automatic oxygen circulation is running a little higher than it should be during the second half of every beta shift, and so are the lights and a few medical instruments. Of course, all that could be accounted for by small changes in routine behavior that no one would think to report. All it takes is someone pacing up and down instead of sitting at a desk for a few hours to throw off the statistics. On its own, it wouldn’t be anything to worry about._

_But then there’s the fact that, according to Scotty, most of the unusual energy usage is going towards Sickbay’s main door. I don’t have an easy explanation for that, and neither does anyone in Engineering. There’s no known malfunction that could be causing this without setting of other alerts. The drain isn’t significant enough to be a priority, but it should be investigated all the same._

_And I can’t shake the feeling that Bones knows more about this than he’s telling me. He’s a little too uninterested in finding out what’s going on, and a little too quick to disappear every evening. Either he has the busiest social life of anyone on the ship, or he’s deliberately avoiding me. It’s almost enough to give me a belly ache._

 

* * *

 

“I do not think there is cause for concern, Captain.”

Kirk wished briefly he could raise a single eyebrow, and then settled for raising both. “You don’t, Mr. Spock? When we have discovered an unknown drain on part of the ship’s energy supply?”

Spock carefully turned off his PADD, clearly giving up all hope of a quiet meal with his research. “As I understand, it is a very minor one. It has no impact on the ship’s functionality, and it could easily be explained by some slight alterations on the part of the crew’s behavior.”

“And that doesn’t worry you? That the crew may be acting strangely for some unknown reason?”

Spock, damn the man, didn’t even need to raise an eyebrow to achieve the desired effect. “It has been my experience, Captain, that humans often act in ways that are erratic, and that do not conform to an optimal use of resources.”

“Which is just another way of saying ‘humans are illogical,’ hm?”

“As you say, Captain.” Spock graced him with a trademark unreadable Vulcan expression, which was, as always, anything but. Kirk firmly tugged the corners of his mouth back into a neutral expression.

“Spock,” he said, setting down his fork and making careful eye contact, “you really don’t think there is any need to look into this?”

Spock met his gaze with more than just the standard Vulcan equanimity. “Jim. Whatever the cause of these aberrations may be, I truly believe that there is no need to concern yourself. They are most likely caused either by minor technical issues, in which case Mr. Scott’s staff will no doubt soon have found a solution, or by irregularities in the conduct of the Sickbay staff, in which case they fall under the purview of your Chief Medical Officer. And while the good doctor may not always act in accordance with the dictates of logic, I have never known him to be less than wholly conscientious. If there were any reason for concern, he would let you know.”

Much as he tried, Kirk could find no fault with that argument.

 

* * *

 

_**Head Nurse’s log, Stardate 2334.6.** _

_There is very little to report. Three crew members were treated for minor injuries after an accident in one of the security drills; other than that, we have had no patients. We’re continuing to make adjustments in equipment storage, and preparing for tomorrow’s triage and containment drills. If everything goes as planned, we should be able to reduce our response time by several minutes._

 

_**Deputy Chief Medical Officer’s log, Stardate 2335.2.** _

_Sickbay operations during gamma shift continue to be routine. As there were no patients to treat today, I spent my duty hours reviewing the most recent advances in Vulcan surgical procedures and developing a proposal for incorporating some of their key aspects to complement the standard Starfleet ones currently in use. At my current rate of work, I should have it ready to submit to Dr. McCoy very soon._

_**Chief Medical Officer’s log, Stardate 2336.7.** _

_Despite what persnickety engineering statistics and a stratospherically suspicious Captain may be suggesting, operations in Sickbay continue to be just as routine as reported every day for the last three weeks. As for the supposed drain on ship’s resources: Having questioned my staff extensively on the subject, and cross-referencing their replies with their medical files, I am satisfied to report that consumption of oxygen and usage of light while working are both natural and necessary for their species – with the exception of Nurse Iyxtaxa, who informs me that he can see more than adequately at one Lux, but tolerates the brighter environment for the sake of his human colleagues. The only actual anomaly I could discover is the fact that the ship’s Captain has apparently been interrogating various members of my staff about their daily activities, which has left them slightly concerned, and may, based on my sound medical judgment, lead to a further increase in oxygen usage as they discuss this with each other, and draw what conclusions they may about the Captain._

_Incidentally, if the Captain happens to be lacking occupation at the moment, I would be happy to forward to him Doctor M’Benga’s list of Vulcan surgical procedures he proposes to adapt for use on starships. All of them show far-reaching promise, which is why I am sure the Captain would feel it his duty to personally advocate with the Starfleet admiralty for the fleetwide adoption of medical treatments not yet tested on humans._

Kirk rearranged his traitorous features into an appropriate expression, sighed, and deleted the last log entry in its entirety, as he knew Bones was counting on him to do.

 

* * *

 

_**Personal log, Stardate 2338.9.** _

_This evening, I just so happened to walk by Sickbay a few times. Each time I did, I happened across a different crewman lurking in or hurrying along the corridor. Of course, off-duty crewmen have every right to be where they please, and also every right to want to avoid running into their Captain. But even so, I’m not usually_ that _much of an unpleasant surprise to anyone on my ship. At least, not to anyone with a clear conscience._

_A constant stream of visitors to Sickbay would perfectly explain the increased power usage in the door, lights, and oxygen circulation. And yet, according to all official logs, only one patient was treated the entire day. I don’t like that pattern. A lot of people meeting individually with one specific person, one who has access to a vast range of strictly regulated medications, for brief, furtive interactions... On any other ship, with any other person, or people, involved, the conclusion would be obvious. But I know Bones. I know Bones, dammit, and he would sooner beam himself into space without a suit than forget his oath to do no harm. And I know his staff, too. Christine Chapel and Doctor M’Benga would never cover up anything like that. However loyal they may be, they care far too much about medical ethics and... their patients…—_

 

* * *

 

“I know what you’re doing,” Kirk said as soon as the door to Bones’ quarters slid open.

“Yeah?” Bones pointedly did not look up from the PADD on his desk. “What is it I’m doing?”

“You’re _dealing_ , Bones.” Kirk gave it only the briefest of dramatic pauses. “You’re dealing off-the-books medical services. The only thing you could be dealing while getting your entire staff to help or cover for you.”

Bones shut off the PADD, and let out a hearty laugh as he stretched and leaned back in his chair. “I was wondering how much longer it would take you. Yeah, we’re running an open clinic every evening while the peace lasts.”

“For treatments of anything a starship crew member might not want noted in the official record?” Kirk guessed.

It was better for everyone if the crew could trust the ship’s doctor unreservedly, that was a known fact. The occasional detail not making its way into the official logs was common practice on starships for that very reason. This, though... Regulations and records existed for the safety of everyone, and there were simply some things that, no matter how personal, a commanding officer needed to know...

“Sometimes. But mostly they just have questions, or want advice.”

“Advice?” For a brief second, Kirk couldn’t help envisioning his friend as a beleaguered agony aunt. It suited him worryingly well. “What kind of advice?”

“The kind I can’t officially give them when I’m on the clock. Say, for example a young Ensign would like to know, purely theoretically of course, how Romulan ale might interact with their personal biochemistry. Well, as an officer of Starfleet, I have to warn them that Romulan ale is contraband. A handful of off-duty medical personnel, on the other hand, have the freedom to be a bit more practical there. Which turns out happier for everyone all-round. Speaking of which...” He reached under his desk and pulled out a bottle of blue liquid and two glasses. “I think we’re overdue a bit of _practicality_ ourselves.”

Kirk pulled out the second chair and sat. “One more question, Bones.”

“Yeah?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kirk accepted the proffered glass, and set it in front of him. “Contrary to popular superstition, being made Captain didn’t erase all my memories of being a crewman, you know.”

To his surprise, Bones grinned widely. “Kept you busy for a week, didn’t it?” He raised his own glass in a salute. “Can’t have the ship’s Captain climbing the walls simply because our milk run’s just about as exciting as a mashed potato sandwich now, can we?” There was entirely too much of a sparkle in his eye.

Kirk took a sip of the ale, and let the warmth spread through him until it twitched at the corner of his mouth. “I guess not,” he said slowly. “Good thing the Captain has someone around to look out for him. He’s a very lucky man.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written by Calliatra, read by wingedwords. Created for pod_together 2018.


	2. Post-Credits Scene

**Captain’s log, Stardate 2339.6.**

After four weeks of uneventful travel and training drills, the only news aboard ship is positive. All departments are reporting increases in efficiency, and also in creativity. Engineering has succeeded in stabilizing Mr. Scott’s latest addition to the ship’s engines, Security has significantly lowered the number of both simulated and actual daily casualties, and the Science Department has made considerable advances towards undermining the current theory on warp field distortion.

Lastly, the energy usage anomaly in Sickbay has been revealed to be not a technical issue, but simply human nature. With workloads decreased across all departments, the crew is taking the opportunity to pay social visits, and the Chief Medical Officer’s particular popularity is to blame for the resultant unusual readings. As there have been no negative effects, I encourage the practice to continue, and personally commend Doctor McCoy for his contributions to crew morale. He is as good a friend as he is a doctor, and we are lucky indeed to have him.

 


End file.
